How to Stop Bullying

Bullying is a serious problem in schools. Let’s look at what’s happening and how to stop it. 

The problem: 

• 90% of students in grades 4-8 have been bullied or harassed in school.

• Over 160,000 kids refuse to go to school each day for fear of being bullied.

• Each month 282,000 students are physically assaulted in some way in secondary schools throughout the US — and the number is increasing.

• Nearly 75% of school shootings have been linked to harassment and bullying.

 ( https://reolink.com/how-to-stop-bullying-in-schools/)

Parents there are things we can do to stop bullying. 

1.First, take notice of your own child’s behavior. Notice any signs that your child is being bullied. For instance, your child may not tell you he/she is being bullied, but may show other signs such as  not wanting to go to school, ripped clothes, scratches on body, crying, increased agitation, increased anxiety or sadness. 

If you discover that your child is being bullied, don’t ignore it, do something about it. Talk with your child, get the details, empathize with your child. Let your child feel heard and understood.  Discuss with your child how he/she can empower him/herself in this situation. Let your child know that you are on his/her side while not encouraging more violence. 

2. Second, do something about it. Contact teachers, administration and adults that are around or have influence where the bullying is taking place. Advocate for your child. If you don’t advocate for your child, who will?  Provide factual information of the bullying and let them know that you expect it to stop immediately. Ask what the plan will be to keep your child safe. 

3. Last, give support to your child at home. Teach your child morals and values. Give them love and support at home so that they do not seek out alternative ways to get attention that could be harmful to them or others. Spend time with your child. Give them reasons to want to be at home with you. Include them in activities with you. Teach them to love other people and to be kind. Give them responses that enable them to stand up for themselves when needed in a non violent way. Role model to your children how to have healthy relationships and to resolve conflicts successfully. 

Statistically bullying is an epidemic in schools these days, although it doesn’t have to be. Ignoring the bullying statistics do not  make them go away. Standing up, doing something about it, just might.

Interested in child, teen or family therapy? Contact me at ( 720 ) 795-4914.

Natalie Teeters, MS, psychotherapist

Childhood Trauma Can Shorten Life Span

The Amount of Childhood Trauma Experiences or ( ACE’s) Adverse Childhood Experiences in a child’s life can determine the life span and amount of medical problems experienced in adults.

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This is a scary but truthful reality. Children who are exposed to abuse and trauma may develop what is called 'a heightened stress response'. This can impact their ability to regulate their emotions, lead to sleep difficulties, lower immune function, and increase the risk of a number of physical illnesses throughout adulthood.

An Adverse Childhood Experience (ACE) is defined as experiencing any of the following categories of abuse, neglect, or loss prior to age 18:

• Physical abuse by a parent

• Emotional abuse by a parent

• Sexual abuse by anyone

• Growing up with an alcohol and/or drug abuser in the household

• Experiencing the incarceration of a household member

• Living with a family member experiencing mental illness

• Domestic violence

• Loss of a parent

• Emotional neglect

• Physical neglect

The ACE Study

Beginning in 1994, the "adverse childhood experiences" (ACE) Study, a partnership between the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) and Kaiser Permanente assessed the relationship between adult health risk behaviors and childhood abuse and household dysfunction.

• The study began with a sample of 9,508 individuals representing a 70.5% response rate.

• Respondents were given a score of one for each ACE category that they experienced.

Findings showed that people who experienced four or more adverse childhood events had:

• increased risk for smoking, alcoholism and drug abuse

• increased risk for depression and suicide attempts

• poor self-rated health

• 50 or more sexual partners

• greater likelihood of sexually transmitted disease

• challenges with physical inactivity, and severe obesity

A follow-up sample combined with baseline data for a total sample of 17,337. Additional findings show that ACE Score is associated with:

• likelihood of attempted suicide across the lifespan

• increased risk for broken bones

• heart disease

• lung disease

• liver disease

• multiple types of cancer

• ACE Score is also correlated with:

  • impaired job functioning

  • homelessness

  • criminal justice involvement

    (http://www.aceresponse.org/who_we_are/ACE_Study_43_pg.htm)

What does this all mean?

Parents you can drastically improve your children’s life span and physical and mental well being in the following ways:

1. Create a safe, secure home.

2. Develop good self care, help yourself manage your emotions so your children do not experience hostility at home.

3. Learn positive parenting skills

4. Develop social support system.

5. Role Model to children healthy coping strategies.

6. If you use substances, make sureit isn’t affecting your parenting.

7. Attend support groups.

8. Attend counseling.

9. Enroll child in play therapy.

10. Support child in emotional needs.

    Want to find out your ACE score? Take the quiz here: https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2019/07/02/733896346/californias-first-surgeon-general-spotlights-health-risks-of-childhood-adversity

    If you are someone you love have experienced childhood trauma, its not too late, you can get the help you need to rise above all of this. Contact me at ( 720) 795-4914 to discuss this.

Gift for your child

Imagine you can give your child one thing before they start life.

Scenario: You are expecting a child:

Imagine you can give your child one thing before they start life. What would this be? 

Lots of Money

Fame

Unlimited Success

High Intelligence

Happiness

Talent in Music

Talent in Athletics

Resilience

Fun

Laughter

Prestige

Courage

Security

Relationship with God

If I had a quarter for every parent who told me they would want their child to be happy, I’d be rich. I hear this all the time in family therapy. I understand that it brings parents joy to see their child happy. It makes us happy to see them happy. 

I also hear “ If I could only have more money to give them what they want.” Money, financial security, is something most parents desire for their children. Why is this so? I believe we want our children to be safe and secure. I wonder if parents think money provides this for them. But does it really? Do you know of people who have lots of money, but no joy in life? Have you met someone who may own a beach house, only to covet their neighbor’s home? I do. Money doesn't buy happiness, in fact, it’s joy is fleeting. 

Isn’t it a much richer joyful feeling when you see your child/ teen/adult child have strength and courage when dealing with suffering in this world, or when your child/teen/adult child have the ability to make the most out of the beauty that life has to offer. Isn’t it even better to see your child see joy or beauty in the life they are given, even when situations are not particularly beautiful? The saying “ make lemonade out of lemons” What a great example of when you are given a sour situation, find sugar to add to make it more pleasurable. 

An example of this would be: 

Sour Moment : Your car breaks down, you need a tow. 

 Add Sugar : You decide to see what positive you have in this moment: 

Sugar (Positives) :

You have an ability to talk with the tow truck driver. Maybe you are in this moment for a reason. Your words can be helpful to him.You may help someone else by being kind. You have a free moment to read that article you couldn’t when you were driving.  You can send a friend an encouraging text. You can read your devotion today, that you missed.  If your child is with you, you have a chance to teach your child how to be strong in strife and be positive in a negative moment. 

Lemonade: You turned a negative moment into a purposeful one. You were given lemons, and you made lemonade. You experienced a positive emotion in a negative experience. Overcoming negativity creates positive changes in you !

Last, I have found that clients who believe in a higher power, have greater joy in life. This may be because it gives them a purpose in their lives. This purpose drives them, giving them courage and joy. Also, believing in God, helps them not feel that they are not alone in this world. They find their identity in God, which gives them the power to cancel out any negative believes their past ingrained in them. Believing in God, can create life transformations. 

1. So I ask you again, if you could give your child one thing before they start life, what would it be? Are you doing things in your life to give this thing to them? 

Natalie Teeters, MS, psychotherapist

Interested in learning more about this or starting counseling with Natalie Teeters, MS.

Call 720-795-4914.

Why is it imporant to Co- Parent with your Ex?

What are the Benefits to learning how to co-parent?

What are the Benefits to learning how to Effectively Co- Parent with your Ex?

1. Helps your child feel secure.

2. The consistency you make with your ex benefits your child.

3. Children who see their parents problem solve together rather than fight, learn how to problem solve themselves.

4. Each time you cooperate with your ex, you are a role model to him/her on how to cooperate and get along in his/her own life.

5. Avoiding fights with your ex help your child have less chances developing anxiety, ADHD or depression.

   If these reason’s aren’t enough for you, then it may be helpful to put yourself in your child/ children’s shoes? How would it feel to be a child and have your parents fight, not agree on rules or always have to hear negative comments about the other parent? I bet it would feel really lousy. Studies show that toddlers who have secure, trusting relationships with parents or non-parent caregivers experience minimal stress hormone activation when frightened by a strange event, and those who have insecure relationships experience a significant activation of the stress response system

   (https://developingchild.harvard.edu/resources/inbrief-the-impact-of-early-adversity-on-childrens-development/. Therefore, whether you are married or not isn’t the deciding factor, but that the parents form secure, trusting relationships with minimal stress at home.

   Further research by Macie and Stolberg ( K.M. Macie, A.L. StolbergAssessing parenting after divorce: the co-parenting behavior questionnaire ,J Divorce Remarriage, 39 (2003), pp. 89-107) found that the children's perception about the coparental behavior of parents significantly predicted their symptoms of anxiety and depression, explaining 37% of the variance in this internalizing indicator. Additionally, that study showed that specific dimensions of coparenting, such as conflict, communication, triangulation, and coparental respect/cooperation, were associated with symptoms of anxiety and depression assessed either by the parents or by the children's self-report. This research shows the importance of not having your child perceive, or witness conflict, poor communication, lack of respect between spouses. Children that witness or perceive this type of behavior have been proven to have anxiety and depression symptoms.

   Research helps us understand and apply truth to our lives. My hope is that children can have less psychological symptoms because their home feels safe, secure and cooperative. All this takes, is one moment at a time, choosing to do what you think is best for your child. Have you heard the saying one day at a time, well, I’m a parent too, and I realize sometimes the days can be long, and it’s more helpful to just take it “ one moment at a time. “ However you do it, I’m sure your child will thank you when he/she is a healthy functioning adult.

   Natalie Teeters, psychotherapist True Life Counseling

   (720) 795-4914

Tips for Transitions

Tips to help your child transition betweem two homes

Children of divorced parents often transition between two households. Whether they do this every few days or every week, the act of saying good by to one parent or saying hello to another can be challenging for the child. Here are some concerete suggestions that could help your child deal with these transition easier.

1. First, as your child prepares to leave your home to go to your ex’s home, try to stay as positive and supportive as possible. Do everything possible to help your child leave your presence on a positive note.

2. Help your child cope with the transition by giving him/her a few days notice of the upcoming transition. Help have their personal items ready to make a smooth move to the other home.

3. Help your child pack in advance, so the final moments together are not a mad dash to find that needed soccer jersy for the game this weekend, or completed homework assignment for tommorrow’s classes. Adding a personal transitional object, like a stuffed animal, or picture could help your child feel secure no matter which home he/she is living in.

4. If possible, drop off your child at the other parents home. When you do this you avoid interrupting a conversation or moment with the co-parent while out and about. If you pick up your child, or exchange him/her, you don’t know what moment has been interrupted. In simplier terms, drop off instead of pick up.

5. Give your child space- when your child transitions to your home, give him/her time to adjust to the new surroundings. Your child will come to you when he or she is ready and comfortable.

6. Double up: Have double of certain items such as tooth brushes, jackets, and pajamas at both houses. This will give your child more rest and security.

7. Give your child Chill- Time: When your child first comes to your home, try to have some quiet time together. Read a book, snuggle together, do a calm activity.

8. Routine : Develop a routine that you do every day your child transitions to your home. For example, prepare the same special meal the day your son returns to your home, or play a certain board game. Children thrive on knowing what to expect. This gives children a sense of security in an imperfect, ever changing world. Routines help children focus on something similar and safe.

   I hope this list helps you consider ways to create security and safety for your child during transitioning homes. Divorce is not easy, but take heart in knowing there are a few simple things that you can do that make a big impact in your child’s life.

   Natalie Teeters, psychotherapist, ( 720) 795-4914

Strategies to Help Anxious Children

Strategies to help your child with anxiety

By Natalie Teeters, Psychotherapist

Here are some strategies to help your child who is dealing with anxiety.

Let your Child Worry

Avoid Avoidance

Build a Coping Kit

Set Clear Expectations

Practice Reframing

Empathize Often

Get Back to Basics

Let your child worry: Telling your child to not worry, won’t stop them from worrying. Schedule a specific time each day for your child to vent his/her concerns to you. This will give your child support and give time for both of you to brain storm ideas to cope with the worries.

Avoid Avoidance: Keeping your child away from what makes him/her anxious won’t cure the anxiety. Infact, it could make it worse. Instead help desensitize your child from what causes anxiety. Start showing pictures of what triggers anxiety, talk to them about it, slowly help empower them to be able to be around the trigger and survive it.

Setting Clear Expectations will help your child know what to expect and help them feel empowered when they accomplish what was expected. Your child will probably not want to attend every birthday party he/she is invited to due to anxiety. This is ok. It may be best to only attend the small birthday party that is in a quiet place.

Build a Coping Kit: There are tons of fun activities that you can do with your child to help them learn to soothe and regulate their emotions. Make this a fun activity. You can create a special spot in your home called the “ calm down spot” that has a box full of items he/she can use to soothe self. Child therapist help you build these coping kits in sessions as well.

Practice Reframing: Find ways to help your child talk about their experience, give them new ways of describing what is being felt and perceived. Reframing helps your child feel more in control.

Empthaize Often: Help your child feel understood. Tell him/her of times you may have felt anxious. Help normalize these feelings for him/her.

Back to Basics: Getting back to the basics helps kids feel secure. To do this do things such as

1. make sure child is getting enough sleep

2. provide a good diet

3. Drink plenty of water

4. Schedule down time each day

5. Go outside and play

For further reading on child anxiety:

https://kidshealth.org/en/parents/anxiety-disorders.html

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/dont-worry-mom/201302/12-tips-reduce-your-childs-stress-and-anxiety, https://www.psycom.net/help-kids-with-anxiety

Signs your child is dealing with anxiety.

Signs and Symptoms of Anxiety in Children

So, what does anxiety look like in children? Anxiety presents itself in many different ways in children, ways that are not always easy to pick up on. These symptoms include:

• Agitation

• Restlessness

• Inattention, poor focus

• Somatic symptoms like headaches or stomachaches

• Avoidance

• Tantrums

• Crying

• Refusing to go to school

• Meltdowns before school about clothing, hair, shoes, socks

• Meltdowns after school about homework

• Difficulties with transitions within school, and between school and an activity/sport

• Difficulty settling down for bed

• Having high expectations for school work, homework and sports performance

Essentially, anxiety in children tends to manifest as negative behaviors that you may have glimpsed briefly in the past, but that are becoming consistent and intense. Over time, these behaviors can become frustrating to parents who feel unable to handle these newly arising attitudes, and don't know how to deal with children that are not responding to punishment, yelling, or to any other methods that were once effective. ( https://www.anxiety.org/causes-and-symptoms-of-anxiety-in-children)

What to do if you think your child is experiencing anxiety. First, know you are not alone. It’s not uncommon for children to experience worry, fear and anxiety. Second, give them words to explain how they are feeling. Third, seek help in an experienced child therapist. You and your child may only need a few session to provide proper tools to help your family navigate this symptom. Intersted in child therapy at True Life Counseling? Email truelifetlc@gmail.com to schedule a free consult.

Parents your words have power !

“ “Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless.” ”

— Mother Teresa

Building Strong Family

#TrueLifeCounselingTips, #FamilyFriday, # Building Strong Family

Families are full of different personalities, sibling & parents. The only thing consistent about a family is it's unique, it's personal, it's important.

How do you build a Strong Family?

What should you do if a member of your family is struggling? There are lots of different schools of thought for this. I'd like to share the Empowerment Leadership Model. The parent focuses on the family as a unit. If one person is struggling, the parents role is to look at the entire family, how can each member pitch in and help the one who is struggling?  This not only helps the struggling family member, but builds the family up and causes all it's members to grow. The family works together to overcome barriers and obtain family purpose. When the family purpose is accomplished, the family feels empowered, encouraged and bonded together. The empowerment model shows the family how strong they are together instead of how comfortable they are as a family. Isn't that the benefit of being in a family anyways? Not being alone,  but being strong together.