If you could give your child one thing before they start life......

Scenario: You are expecting a child:

Imagine you can give your child one thing before they start life. What would this be? 

Lots of Money

Fame

Unlimited Success

High Intelligence

Happiness

Talent in Music

Talent in Athletics

Resilience

Fun

Laughter

Prestige

Courage

Security

Relationship with God

If I had a quarter for every parent who told me they would want their child to be happy, I’d be rich. I hear this all the time in family therapy. I understand that it brings parents joy to see their child happy. It makes us happy to see them happy. 

I also hear “ If I could only have more money to give them what they want.” Money, financial security, is something most parents desire for their children. Why is this so? I believe we want our children to be safe and secure. I wonder if parents think money provides this for them. But does it really? Do you know of people who have lots of money, but no joy in life? Have you met someone who may own a beach house, only to covet their neighbor’s home? I do. Money doesn't buy happiness, in fact, it’s joy is fleeting. 

Isn’t it a much richer joyful feeling when you see your child/ teen/adult child have strength and courage when dealing with suffering in this world, or when your child/teen/adult child have the ability to make the most out of the beauty that life has to offer. Isn’t it even better to see your child see joy or beauty in the life they are given, even when situations are not particularly beautiful? The saying “ make lemonade out of lemons” What a great example of when you are given a sour situation, find sugar to add to make it more pleasurable. 

An example of this would be: 

Sour Moment : Your car breaks down, you need a tow. 

 Add Sugar : You decide to see what positive you have in this moment: 

Sugar (Positives) :

You have an ability to talk with the tow truck driver. Maybe you are in this moment for a reason. Your words can be helpful to him.You may help someone else by being kind. You have a free moment to read that article you couldn’t when you were driving.  You can send a friend an encouraging text. You can read your devotion today, that you missed.  If your child is with you, you have a chance to teach your child how to be strong in strife and be positive in a negative moment. 

Lemonade: You turned a negative moment into a purposeful one. You were given lemons, and you made lemonade. You experienced a positive emotion in a negative experience. Overcoming negativity creates positive changes in you !

Last, I have found that clients who believe in a higher power, have greater joy in life. This may be because it gives them a purpose in their lives. This purpose drives them, giving them courage and joy. Also, believing in God, helps them not feel that they are not alone in this world. They find their identity in God, which gives them the power to cancel out any negative believes their past ingrained in them. Believing in God, can create life transformations. 

1. So I ask you again, if you could give your child one thing before they start life, what would it be? Are you doing things in your life to give this thing to them? 

Natalie Teeters, MS, psychotherapist

Interested in learning more about this or starting counseling with Natalie Teeters, MS.

Call 720-795-4914.

How to change your kid in a week

Have a new kid in a week !

Interesting title, huh. Can we change our children’s behavior, the undesirable behavior, in a week? Maybe.

Research shows that there are some skills that parents can use to create positive changes in their children. These skills often also create more peace in their home. Who doesn’t want that?

A study by the University of Toronto found what really matters in parenting. “ A large body of research on attitudes indicates that parental warmth together with reasonable levels of control combine to produce positive child outcomes. “ ( Parents’ Attitudes and Beliefs: Their Impact on Children’s Development, Joan E. Grusec, PhD, Tanya Danyliuk, BA, University of Toronto, Canada, December 2014, Rev. ed.). This finding suggests that it is the manner the parents relate to their children, rather than saying the right words. The warmth and sense of control that parents can provide to their children is paramount. How exactly can parents be warm and provide a sense of control ? Parents do this by listening to their children, working on the relationship they have with their children before focusing on punishing. The most important part of establishing a healthy relationship with your child is using active listening. By listening to your child, you can hear their excitement when they tell you about an upcoming party, you can empathize with them when they share their disappointment in not making the basketball team and you can accept their frustration when their plans do not work out. The skill in active listening is realizing it is “ listening”; not fixing. It can be very freeing to realize that you do not need to “ fix” every problem or situation that your child presents to you, but by actively listening to him/her you are providing the warmth and security that he/she needs. Let’s look at the power in active listening:

• 1. When you Listen to them; you are saying “ You are important to me, what you are saying is important and I am here for you. “
• 1. By Listening to their emotion, you are saying “ What you feel matters, and how you see the world matters. “
• 1. By Not Fixing, but Listening, you are saying “ I believe in you and your ability to make a good decision. “

By Actively Listening, parents are telling their children, “ I’m on your team, I”m behind you, I believe in you,.” Once your child feels like you are on their side, trust is built. It is then that he/she may ask your opinion or advice. Now your suggestions will be accepted with love instead of frustration. You child will have the courage to use your suggestion ( or not ), and the confidence to know there is safety, love and help in you. Your toddler may say “ no “ to you less because he now feels you’ve taken the time to try to understand him. You teen may be more respectful with your rules, your authority since she felt understood by you. Your ten year old may remember to take a deep breath and not yell at you from the other room to help her find her volleyball shirt. Active listening doesn’t solve every problem. What is does do is help create a solid, safe foundation of trust, a good relationship. This may be the added incentive your child needs to not overreact, but try to be better. Try active listening with your child today. Give your child 10 uninterrupted child-lead conversation minutes a day for a week and see what positive changes occur because of it. #ParentingwiththePro’s #TrueLifeBlog, #ActiveListening, #@TrueLifeCounseling, #@NatalieTeetersCounseling,

Natalie Teeters, MS

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Want to learn more about this topic?

http://www.child-encyclopedia.com/parenting-skills/according-experts/parents-attitudes-and-beliefs-their-impact-childrens-development

Dr. Kevin Leman in "Have a New Kid by Friday" - YouTube

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EJWlHywSKA0